Oct 6, 2020: Retrospective on 1981

Posted on July 11, 2024 by shespeaks888

I watched you on the television with my family. The rough upholstery of our gold, brown and green couch left burlapped imprints on the back of my pale legs. Sticky fingers rubbed the tender itchy bumps.

I didn’t know what it meant to be the President, but watching your speech, I knew for sure that a President was supposed to make me feel like you did- safe, calm, confident, and hopeful. Clearly, being the President also meant being kind. I wanted to be a President too.

I was always too soft. Too giving. “Too” kind. You invited me to be part of something bigger than myself, something far more important than politics. You showed me the power of faith and intelligent kindness. I cried when you lost the race- the other guy felt crusty and aloof. I really wanted you to win, even though I didn’t like peanuts.

April 12, 2021 : A Reminder

Posted on June 30, 2024 by shespeaks888

April 12, 2021

So, I woke up unexpectedly with some ponderings and wanted to share them with someone…as such, and as usual, you, my daily companions and friends, are the rightful peepers into these late night musings about my life and health. Look out! This is going to be a long one *smiles*…

I am a strong believer in the need to cultivate mindful awareness of one’s existence- be that mental, emotional, spiritual, physical, contextual or philosophical. I have learned that to thrive in this life, I need to stay open- to receive, evaluate and respond (this could also mean a chosen lack of response) to messages from all aspects of my self, in order to fully integrate spiritual, sensory and cognitive feedback on the status and nature of my being and existence. I listen closely for the clues- nuanced and overt, and I try to consistently take action.Ironically, over the last 9 months, I have also come to realize that this amazing life strategy only works if those systems (facets of self and existential arenas) are functioning properly. If they aren’t sick. If they haven’t become disordered in some way.

Over the years, many important people in my life insisted, with great love and concern, that if I “just listened to my body”, I would lose weight or be healthier. That my body would tell me what it needed; what was essential. And for most of life, despite the contrary beliefs of others, I DID listen to my body. In fact, I listened more intently to my body, than the other parts of my self. But what no one, not even me, seemed to realize was that years of neglect had left my body confused. It compelled me to eat frequently, to eat sugar/carbs. My body told me it urgently needed those things- I unconsciously (and sometimes consciously) fed it, to soothe the craving, and to MEET the supposed need. I imagine many of you can relate to this tale…

The trouble is, upon closer inspection, this cycle looked a lot like addiction…or at least dependence. When I fed my body sugars, delicious hormones were released. Especially dopamine. It is supremely pleasurable. That combination reinforced my extended over-use, and long-term dependence on a substance that was harming me. Yet, my body/mind/emotions all felt rewarded for eating sugar. Eventually, the only time those parts of me felt “right”, was when I was consuming sweet and starchy things that triggered dopamine and made me feel happy and content. Without even knowing it, I layered every meal with sugar- sugars were even “hidden” in foods I believed (we all believe) are “healthy”. A large part of this problem (the faulty feedback loop my food choices informed and I attended to), is perpetuated by a food industry addicted to money/profit and a culture addicted to surplus/excess.

Just recently, I intentionally, but naively, devoured a simple, plain steamer bag of cauliflower, only to realize the manufacturer had literally ADDED sugar to the package- to cauliflower, mind you! But I digress…Regardless of the catalyst, unconsciously, my existence was being created/influenced by systems reliant on the world’s most “beautiful poison”, and a mind/body that literally needed to maintain a constant supply of its drug of choice- sugar. As you can imagine, that arrangement doesn’t go well, long term.

So, I found myself last July about 100-125# over my preferred healthy weight, and contemplating gastric bypass. It felt urgent and I agonized over the decision. It took nearly a week, but in the end, I simply couldn’t choose a surgical/invasive option until I was SURE I had tried everything to heal my body on my own. I decided to give it one year of dedicated attention- total immersion. This decision left me undeniably committed to a new path (once I make up my mind about something/someone, I am loyal to the end- it was time to be loyal to myself ). I needed to give up high carbs and sugars. In order to rid my being of faulty messages about the need for sugar, and how good it made me feel (unconsciously or otherwise / truth or lie), I had to eliminate it almost completely. Until it was eliminated, my bodily signals would remain disordered. Until I eliminated sugar, I wouldn’t be able to cultivate, heal and hear the healthy parts- they were stifled and nearly nonfunctional. I had become dissociated from the truth of my bodily needs, all while earnestly responding to the disordered messages I was receiving.

When I took away the sugar, I heard my body bellowing, loud and clear. It took 180 days, but eventually, it stopped telling me to eat throughout the day when I didn’t need fuel. It stopped telling me to eat processed foods laden with poison AND the “healthy vegetables and fruit” loaded with sugars (“natural” sugars that have been intentionally increased up to tenfold, by man-made interventions and growing modifications to make them ultra sweet, all for the sake of excess consumption and capitalism).

And now, after 286 days of logging my food, recording and tweaking data about physical responses to different food, nutrients and activity choices, my body asks for different things. It’s crazy to think how completely IN TUNE I actually was with my body when I consistently fed it sugar, albeit maladaptive. I strive to be at least that in tune with it now, but I believe it is far less disordered. Today, the messages seem to reinforce truly healthy habits and food choices. For the first time in my adult life, I can trust my body to send messages about healthier and truly necessary food and nutrients. I can trust my body to move, to carry me through the days, to recover and reinvent itself at night. Now, when I pay mindful attention to the cues and signals from my body, I am able to make choices that reward me with actual healing- mental, emotional, contextual, philosophical and physical.

As for the spiritual…this journey, this awakening, this newness and discovery…well, it’s sometimes sacred to me. It is a quickening. I am becoming more, by needing and becoming “less”.

My new message is to simplify. To listen deeper- with greater clarity and discernment. To breathe in my potential and digest it. To feed my soul by attending to all aspects of my existence, in balance. To optimize this life of mine. To realize, and sincerely choose, what I want to make manifest.

Despite a lack of grace at times, I am learning to choose freedom…freedom from the things that craft and cultivate dis-ease in my life…regardless of their origin. It is my responsibility to steer my ship into this wind, making slow, but forward, progress…until the winds are more in my favor and the ship can hold its course.

Nine months and 72# later, I am actively navigating these waters and committing the storms and seas to memory. These are new waters, for sure, but there is no turning back for me….the only way forward, is through.

You are the captain of your ship, my friends…be patient and fearless. There is land on the horizon.

(Random thoughts in the wee hours of the night. If you read all this, thank you for traveling down the rabbit hole with me. It helps to have company when monumental and life-changing artifacts are unearthed.)

Beginner’s Mind

Posted on August 23, 2020 by shespeaks888

Among “my tribe”, I am known as someone who starts creative endeavors without a clear plan. For me, such journeys are borne on an energetic stream of consciousness. Sure, there is a general trajectory, but more often than not, the path creates itself one step at a time, beneath my feet, as I spring forward. It’s probably not the best course of action when developing a website or a blog, and yet, that is where I found myself- lost in the land of WordPress options and technical terms that far outpaced my Gen X-sponsored set of “onboard tools”.

Nostalgically, I grieve the sense of knowingness and experiential wisdom that once bolstered my confidence and offered insightful guidance. In 2020, in the midst of a pandemic, operating remotely on my career and school, my points of reference are largely irrelevant. I find this fact amusing…and also crippling to my sense of place in the modern world.

I worked diligently to craft this site, to make it visually appealing, to ensure links stayed linked and fonts followed form. I smoked more cigarettes than I intended. I also suspect I caused people I love to rummage through closets and crannies, in search of a ball gag (long ferreted away), to stop my incessant bemoaning.

As if I had a reason to consider myself an expert in the first place, I presumed to assume I could simply “make WordPress do what I want it to do”. I could not. So instead, I shamed myself for a lack of understanding. Frustrated, but calmly supportive, my partner nearly begged me to “WTV”- aka watch the videos. I resisted. First, I had to “beat” it…THEN I would watch the tutorials ardently vying for my attention on every page.

Tenacity is a virtue, be sure, but it can also be a barrier. My ego was running amok, until a paradigm shift in perspective came and put me in check. Finally, I realized that in order to progress, I had let go and surrender to the experience. To navigate this new terrain, I needed to forget what I thought I knew (and what I wanted WordPress to do). It was essential that I explore this path with a beginner’s mind- to first discover what the tools are even capable of doing- and then, to adjust my expectations, until I gained more experience.

As with most things, my struggles remind me to be humble, and humble successes remind me to persevere.

Welcome to Strangeland

Posted on August 20, 2020 by shespeaks888

In the early days of 2020, the world changed dramatically. Not only were people quarantined inside their homes, their communities, their states and their countries, many people quarantined alone and were forced to keep their own company. For some, that has been a relief, for others it was/is a long slide into a lonely rabbit hole.

At first, I basked in the solitude, relished the lack of stimulus. I found relief from the enormous stress of living and working alongside others. But now, two hundred and thirty-two days later, I find myself in a deflated raft, on a smoldering ocean, searching the horizon for a foothold- my feet grown soft from disuse. One day runs into the next. World stories flash brightly across my screens, but reheated news all tastes the same.

Be sure, I enjoy my own company, but the conversation here has grown stale. Unheard words cut the roof of my mouth. I need something new, dare I say novel, to slake my thirst. Conversations with the uncommon, to spark my interest in thoughts and ideas and the world, again. From that Seeking, that aspiration, Strangeland emerged.

My intention is to rustle masks and unearth oddities. Curiouser and curioser, my politics are complex and evolving. I do not swallow propaganda pills without researching their efficacy. I do not seek homogenity- variety and mutation breeds innovation. I do not proclaim to be interesting, myself, just interested.

Some of my posts may be suprising, some may bore you, others may incite your wrath or entreat your compassion. I do not seek an unwavering path- I often wander off, away from the best laid plans. It is through this dynamic lens that I seek out, curate, and share thoughts, stories, food, people, events and places that are slightly askew and unapologetically different.

Do you, dear reader, have something to share? Are you strange and uncommon? Do you find yourself walking the line between “normal” and “odd”? If so, you have found your tribe! Please look around, share your thoughts, and stay awhile. All who come with a healthy dose of curiosity (and respect) have a home here. I look forward to learning and exploring with you.

Carpe Noctum. Feed your fire.

T. Noelle